Scorched Walls and a Scorched Soul!

Friday morning started especially good. Checked my Facebook account, as I try to do each morning, and discovered that we had a new sponsor for a child's education. My heart always sings with joy when a new sponsor comes along and I know that a difference is going to be made in a child's life.  Talked with my sons on the phone, things were going well for them. Headed out the door for a terrific day at the Logos Hope Book Fair, super excited about purchasing books for my classroom. And then it hit, WHAM!

Checked our cell phone to see who the message was from and there it was; Fire in unit 203 and YOU are responsible for the damages! A child was playing with a lighter. Yep, that would be our FAITH Home landlord and once again she was not happy! All of that great energy and happy mood completely dissipated as my first words to Doug were, "Great! What is this going to cost us?"

Yes, sadly that was my first thought, and I would like to say that I immediately realized the road I was going down and quickly changed my attitude, but I didn't. As Alaric and Irish slid into the car, I told them about the text and asked if they knew who it was, because I had a pretty good idea without having to ask. They confirmed my suspicion. Now, I was really mad! I ranted and raged all the way to the FAITH Home, "Why don't they do a better job of watching their kids! I don't even want to think about how much this is going to cost us! Do they think we are made out of money?"  I cry as I even type these horrible words that came from my mouth. That road I was on was getting darker and meaner by the second!

We arrived at the FAITH Home and as we ascended up the stairs the acrid smell of smoke was thick and heavy. Charcoaled pieces of plywood were lying about as well as a charred piece of what was left of a shelf. Mamas and Papas all looked at me with sad faces and shook their heads, making low clicking noises. I entered the unit and saw several mothers and children sweeping and mopping black water as best they could out of the main living area. I waded through the muck, very angrily I might add, and looked into the room. The only wooden wall in the room was completely burned away, the ceiling was black and the light fixture was melted. All I saw was a black, smoky mess. Jennifer, whose four year old son had started the fire, was cleaning. She didn't look at me and I didn't say one word to her. All I thought was oh, Lord, how I am going to pay for this? I turned and walked out of the room and on my way out, I said two of the most unchristian like words that have come out of my mouth since beginning this ministry. I stopped and told Joy, one of our mothers that speaks English, "Let Jennifer know that she and Archer will be responsible for this damage." Then I proceeded with what I am sure must have been the ugliest looking expression on my face back down the stairs. I turned and looked up at Alaric who was still conversing with the parents and said, "Arjay did get a good butt spanking for this, right?" To which I was immediately assured that he had. Oh, that road, was dark, lonely and soul scorching!

We all got in the vehicle and pulled away. My fury was great and I was all consumed! Lilia's Place struggles already with our budget, what in the world were we going to do? So self absorbed and having my own pity party, when sweet Irish, said, "How much stuff did Jennifer lose in the fire?" It was an innocent question that brought me to a screeching halt on that ugly road. I was so ashamed to face Irish and admit that I really didn't know what Jennifer had lost, I remembered seeing lots of black items among the rubble, but I had not stopped to ask her about her loss or even let myself begin to think that someone other than Lilia's Place had suffered loss. Yes, I had made sure that everyone was safe and that there were no injuries, but that was no comfort, because I knew it didn't make up for all the ugliness I had displayed to the families that God had sent me to to take care of. I behaved in every way but how a true servant should have behaved.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening asking God for forgiveness and asking for a chance to do a better job the next day. The following morning Doug and I arose early and headed to the store where we purchased all kinds of cleaning materials and deodorizers. Arms full, we arrived at the FAITH Home and to the astonishment of everyone, I began scrubbing the black from Jennifer's walls and floors. I cleaned those walls and floors as if I were cleaning my soul. I gathered the families and publicly apologized for my behavior the day before. I asked Jennifer and all of them to forgive me for failing them and for hurting them when they most needed Christ's love. It was a humbling experience, they of course, thought I had done no wrong. It is truly sad, that they believe they deserve to be treated with such disrespect. We bagged up the blackened, smoke filled clothes of Jennifer's family and took them to the laundry to be cleaned. We replaced the shelf and the rice that she had lost. Most of the clothing that was burned belonged to baby Irish Jane and we were able to replace those with all the generous donations we have received in the past. Those were the easy things to replace! Healing the heart I had hurt was entirely another matter.

There was a lot of laughter in that room as we all worked together to clean up that black mess, but I learned that just like the walls, there was a part of me that was forever scorched and no amount of scrubbing  could make it white again.

I know many of you are reading this blog and wondering why in the world would I post such a horrible blog. I post it because being a missionary doesn't make me perfect, I don't go through this ministry without failing and sinning, but what I do have is God's grace. His son died on the cross for me and when I asked for forgiveness, it was His death, His blood, that washed away my sins and made my soul white once again. We are praised for the work we do, but it isn't about us at all, we are human, we sin, but through Christ we are reborn and all things are possible. Our work is for His glory and His glory alone!


And by the way, after all that distraught and ugliness, the bill for the damages was less than $40. So thankful God taught me a cheap lesson in humility!